im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
