I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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