went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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