Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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