it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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