My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
