Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
