dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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