I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
