I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize