you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
