I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
