ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
