drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
