I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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