On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
