I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
