Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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