sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
