I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
