Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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