New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
