Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize