Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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