It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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