I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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