K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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