Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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