I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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