At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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