she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
