So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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