She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
