I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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