I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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