I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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