Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You left your phone here
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