I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
