im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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