happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Two words: blizzard sex
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
