Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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