the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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