Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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