just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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