It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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