i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
