We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize