You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
