woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
