I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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