Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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