Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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