Only a mothe r could love this liver
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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