I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
