It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
