She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
