dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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