He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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