Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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