she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
