I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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