Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
