Can i not drive my cunt home
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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