Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize