remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize