I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
