I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
