So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
