why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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